Digging Deeper

It has been awhile since I’ve written to you guys. My head is in a fog and I am not quite sure what to write in this post. But what I do know is that I don’t like who I am and how I feel all the time. I may have checked out on my faith and am not in a position to want to jump back into it in this moment, but I still deserve to feel joy. I still deserve for my heart to finally heal from past trauma. I deserve rest. I deserve to want to live. I deserve to love myself. So this is the start of a new journey: to truly heal and learn to love who I am. Will you join me?

Life has been very chaotic and hurtful recently. I’ve opened up previously about my struggle with mental illness and this is something I still am struggling greatly with. I’ve let my depression take over my life—I’ve gone against all my morals and have utterly lost who I am in the process. I wont go into every detail, but friends, I feel like such a failure. I know that I can pull myself out of this hole, but in the back of my mind I keep asking if it is even worth it. Why would I want to put in all the effort again when I still ended up here in the first place? At the same time though, I want to feel like myself again. My head keeps telling me lies that there is no point in going on, while my heart just desperately wants to live and feel joy again.

I don’t want to give up. I have goals and I have people in my life I am choosing to fight for. This life has not been fair to me. But, in reality, I don’t want my story to end just yet. So, I am choosing to fight for myself once again. I am not quite sure how this journey is going to go, but I want to stop this toxic cycle. I want to become the healthiest and happiest version of myself that I can be, because I deserve it—and so do you.

As I begin to reflect back, I realize I’ve already started this healing journey. I am never the person to walk away from friendships or relationships, but I did this time. I had some close friends that became very toxic and unhealthy while I was already struggling tremendously. They actually began to shun and bully me. I really have never felt so alone in my life than I did in those moments with these people who claimed to love me. But I chose to walk away. I chose myself and my own sanity, regardless of how they were going to treat me afterwards. And friends, I am proud of myself. I chose myself over the drama and even though I feel so alone, I know I did the right thing. If you are going through something similar, I encourage you to choose yourself and walk away. I know it is hard and it is going to hurt. But friends, you deserve to be genuinely loved and taken care of. You don’t deserve love that hurts.

I have other steps I am taking towards this healing journey and I am excited to see where I end up. I scheduled my first counseling appointment in over six months and I am choosing to be more intentional with taking my depression medication. I am also going through a very tough breakup in this moment and even though I’ve slipped up, I am choosing to no longer reach out to meaningless guys to fill the void of missing him. I’ve also decided to take steps into moving back where my people are. I would be living on my own, but would be able to provide a home for me and my chicken man, Maverick (my pup—yes, I call him my chicken). I’d also be close to my home church and may be able to start connecting with my faith once again. I am choosing to feel my feelings instead of shutting them off. I am learning to be okay with being alone and instead of sitting in my sadness, I am challenging myself to get out of the house and just be in my own company. I am working on journaling and even got a new workbook to help me “find my authentic self”. I want to start running again and doing the things I used to love.

I know this journey is going to be a process, but I want to feel better and become the best version of myself that I can be. Friends, we deserve to heal. We deserve to love ourselves. We deserve rest. We deserve to feel joy. And we deserve to want to live. I know this post doesn’t have much structure, but thank you for letting me be vulnerable with ya’ll and share where my heart is at in this moment.

Jesus loves you and so do I,

-Malia