Digging Deeper

This is for the one who feels imprisoned by life’s chaos;

for the one who is desperately craving a sense of peace in their storm.

Friends, I am about to be incredibly vulnerable with ya’ll. These past two years have been filled with mistake after mistake—leading me to where I’m at in life right now. I have never been this lost, having so little control over what can be done to bring me out of the hole I’ve dug for myself. I feel like I’m drowning with no way out. Due to a combination of my own decisions and life’s curve balls, I have hit the lowest point in my life. And right now, there’s not much more I can do, but wait and trust the Lord. Can I be honest with ya’ll? Friends, this is hard. It is so disheartening to be faced with the fact that if only you acted differently, you would be in a whole other situation.

I’m writing this blog to encourage anyone who may be in a similar situation, but also to encourage myself in this very moment. I need the peace of Jesus to cover me today. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and share some hard topics with ya’ll.

Let me paint you a picture of what my life currently looks like. Due to some personal mistakes and because of my mental health, I was asked to medically withdraw from school. I’m no longer welcome at home, so I have to find other family members willing to let me stay with them. In this moment, I have no home, no car, no job, and no money. I do have some people willing to help me out still, but I’ve burned a bridge with the only family I felt at home with and loved by. This is why my current situation is so hard to adjust to. Because no matter how much I wish I could take back what I did to lose them, I can’t. I am angry at myself, but also with them—and that’s okay.

As I’m writing, I keep replaying a song by Strings and Heart called “more of you”. It says,

I want more of You and less of me; more of you and less of me. Jesus I surrender at Your feet.

Strings and Heart, “more of You”

I miss my Jesus, friends. I’ve never felt so distant from my Father; I’ve let myself fall so far away. I’ve taken my eyes off of the one who really matters because of the mental battles I’ve been fighting. And right now, there’s not much else I can do, but to surrender at Jesus’ feet. This year He placed on my heart a theme phrase that I am choosing to hold on to, even when it seems impossible—the Lord will provide. It seems far fetched, but the Lord always follows through with a promise. So, I am choosing to believe that my Jesus will help me through this storm. I don’t know what He has in store for my life, or in what ways He will provide for me, but I choose only to trust. Today I choose His peace, while He does His work. Friends, will you do the same?

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

John 14:27

The waiting is hard, but the Lord will show up. Allow yourself to feel the peace that the Lord wants to give you today. Give Him your fears, your worries, your cries for change. He hears every single one of them, friends. He is near to you. He sees you. He holds you. Now, let go and let God.

Jesus loves you and so do I,

-Malia