Digging Deeper

Hey friends, I’ve missed you:)

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m six days post-op from my tonsillectomy, and the pain has been more agonizing than anything I’ve ever experienced. But alongside the physical suffering, I’ve been carrying a deep mental and emotional weight as well. I’m working through a lot right now—things feel heavy, raw, and overwhelming. I haven’t fully opened up yet about my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD), though I hope to share more in an in-depth post someday. For now, I’m doing my best to put my therapy tools and coping skills into practice, even when it feels exhausting. Being cheated on recently has only added to the hurt, leaving me to navigate what comes next while also trying to comfort the little girl inside me—the one who feels abandoned and questions her worthiness of a true, Christ-centered love.

Struggles vary from person to person, but with BPD often come deeply intense emotional attachments. When these attachments are suddenly broken, the pain can be both physical and mental, feeling far more overwhelming than a typical breakup. The nervous system becomes dysregulated, and the one person who once made us feel purposeful is suddenly gone. In reality, it isn’t the person we’re grieving as much as the sense of meaning and identity we discovered within them. That’s why I’ve found myself caught in the cycle of moving from one relationship to the next—but this time, I want things to be different. I don’t want to waste the waiting. Jesus has been calling me into a season of singleness for a while now—a season meant for unpacking past trauma, and for Him to prune, heal, and equip me to become the wife He is calling me to be.

As I’ve been recovering, Jesus has been gently nudging me and reminding me that singleness isn’t a punishment. It’s an invitation—a time to rekindle my love for Him and for myself. A time for growth, healing, and rediscovering my true identity in Him. I want to return to the things that bring me genuine joy, and writing to you all is one of them! So, I’m choosing to be more intentional about sharing here and inviting you into this journey—to learn alongside me and help hold me accountable. I’m also choosing to start pouring into myself—practicing healthy coping skills instead of mindlessly scrolling on my phone, being more intentional with friendships, looking in the mirror and genuinely complimenting the reflection staring back at me, and spending intentional time in devotion, letting Jesus be my very best friend. I’m crocheting, reading, and taking the time to do things that make me feel more put together. I’m making sure to nourish my body (as much as I can during recovery), care for my mind, and tend to my soul—learning what it truly looks like to invest in myself. I’m tired of wasting my waiting season. Join me on this journey of healing—with Jesus:)

Jesus loves you and so do I,

-Malia