Digging Deeper

Are you in a waiting season?

If your answer is yes, then friend—we’re in the same boat. But this time, it’s different. For the first time ever, this particular waiting season feels peaceful. I get to bask in the glory of my Lord and reflect on all the ways He protected and provided for me in 2024. I now know that I don’t have to worry. Even when life is full of chaos and heaviness, my Jesus has showed me that He is still kind, gentle, and in control.

This past year has been the heaviest and most challenging season of my life. I stepped away from my faith completely and had to medically withdraw from school due to the severity of my depression. I felt isolated from my family and ended up in a toxic relationship involving emotional abuse and betrayal. I had a falling-out with some of my closest friends, which led to bullying and being shunned at work for months. I became homeless for a time, turned to the wrong things, began engaging in risky behaviors, and struggled deeply with my sense of self-worth. I found myself in harmful environments, including situations where I was taken advantage of—simply because I felt emotionally numb and no longer had the capacity to care. I later moved in with someone I didn’t initially have feelings for, but eventually fell in love with—only to be left heartbroken again.

Over and over, things kept going wrong, and I shut myself off completely from feeling it. I didn’t allow myself to heal from any of these traumatic situations and continued to run from the pain. I was utterly broken. I completely lost myself and had no idea what my purpose for living was. I’ve opened up previously about my depression and past difficult seasons, but I’ve never lost myself the way I did in 2024. I walked away from the Malia I knew and what she stood for. Right now, I am trying to find her again—trying to remember who I am and what values I hold dear.

Even though 2024 was an incredibly rough year, the Lord showed up in such a tender way, even behind the scenes. As I mentioned, I was no longer following God at the time. I still believed in Him, but wanted to experience life without feeling guilty for indulging in sin. Sin felt good for a moment, but it only left me broken, empty, and numb. Even though my heart was distant from the Lord, He continued to protect and provide for me. He brought beauty from my ashes—although, I wasn’t able to see this provision until I was out of the storm. He shielded me from numerous situations that would have only caused more harm. And even when I had nothing left to give, He never stopped pursuing me.

All of the loss, pain, grief, and loneliness led me here. It opened my eyes to see how genuinely broken I was. The Lord orchestrated every moment and, in time, placed me in an environment where I could return to my old church. I was then able to rekindle my relationship with my family and fall more deeply in love with my Heavenly Father. I am home again—safe and sound, so very dearly loved and cared for.

So much growth has taken place in my life over the past three months. I’m attending therapy weekly, taking new medications routinely to help stabilize my mood, allowing myself to heal, actively practicing coping skills and mindfulness techniques I’m learning, and I walked away from that last toxic relationship after months of us going back-and-forth. I moved back home, am learning to love myself and how to be alone, spending more time with family, playing my guitar and writing music again, thinking things through before acting impulsively, working on my swearing, deepening my relationship with Jesus, and seeking Him first in both the good and the bad. I rejoined my church’s worship team, am attending services and small groups regularly, working nearly full-time, in the process of returning to school, and am learning not to distract myself from the uncomfortableness of feeling emotions.

Life isn’t perfect, but it finally feels calm. Reflecting on how God showed up for me in 2024 makes me all the more grateful and excited to see what He has in store. I’m in this weird transitional period of self growth and figuring out my next steps—waiting to see where God is leading me and what He is trying to teach me. A lot of unknowns remain, but I am still choosing to praise God and reflect on His goodness and providence. He cares for my heart in such a beautiful and tender way and is helping me learn how to trust Him. I now have something to fall back on when I go through another rough season in life—I’ll know to remember His providence in my past storm, and be able to cling to the hope that He’ll get me through this one.

Maybe you’re not in a waiting season, but in your hardest one right now—and my heart breaks for you. But friend, Jesus loves you. He sees you. He hasn’t forgotten you nor forsaken you. He weeps with you. He is protecting you. He is still working behind the scenes. He is still good, even in your chaos. Remember the Lord’s providence in your previous storms.

Your stillness is coming.

Jesus loves you and so do I,

-Malia