Digging Deeper

Ya’ll, I lied–yikes

I told you guys in a previous post regarding my depression, that last September through January was the worst time of my life. However, if I am being honest, this semester topped it tenfold. This season has been a rough one. I have completely and utterly lost who I am—I am still on the journey to getting her back. I never thought I would get to this point in my life. I believed I was stronger than this, but sometimes it is okay to break. And I did.

This journey we are about to go on includes some heavy topics that I want to be vulnerable about and share with ya’ll. Due to length, I’ll be making this a two-part series again. But, I want you to know that if it is too triggering, please don’t be afraid to exit out now. I’ll love you anyway!

I didn’t want my blog to be a place for depressing topics all the time, but right now that is the season I am in. We won’t stop here though, there is light at the end of this tunnel.

My depression has always been a part of me. It is not who I am, but Satan loves to use it to torment me. Like Paul, it is a thorn in my flesh (2 Corinthians 12:7). I get into these periods where I lose all hope. I stop opening my Bible, I listen to music not healing for the soul, and I distract myself from how I am feeling with guys, friendships, school work, and my jobs.

There are many traumatic things in my past that continue to sneak up on me in the present. These, combined with present circumstances—stress with nursing school and two jobs, irrelevant boy issues, present hurts, and seasonal depression—make wanting to be alive a very difficult feat. This is really vulnerable to share, but it is a part of my story and I hope to help at least one person know that they are not alone in their struggles.

On November 4th, I attempted to take my own life for the first and the last time. I won’t go into detail, but this was a very scary time for me, my friends, and my family. I’ve been fighting hard to get back on track since then and I ran back to Jesus on November 19th after six long months of doing life my own way. It was a beautiful moment I got to share with my brother, sister-in-law, and my church family that I will always remember. But, things are still really hard and it has been the most difficult time to feel Jesus’ presence in my life.

Even as I am writing this, my depression is sitting heavy on my mind. My emotions feel so down without reason to be so. My mind feels blank and I’ve been in this constant state of “bleh“. I am trying to do things that are healing for my soul, but it is so difficult when all I want to do is lay in bed and stare blankly at a wall.

If you’ve been where I am at right now, I am so sorry. My heart hurts that you can relate and I so deeply wish that you are in a better place right now. But if you’re not, we’re going to go through this journey of being encouraged together. Don’t lose hope for healing. It’s okay to be sad, we’re in this together. In my next post, I will share more encouragement that may help in your season of drought too. Thank you for joining me on this journey.

Jesus loves you and so do I,

-Malia