Digging Deeper

It’s been a while since I’ve written out my testimony. I’d say a lot has changed since the last time I dwelt on it. Sometimes it’s hard to reflect back on the past–opening old wounds is never fun. However, our past experiences play a crucial part in shaping us into our future selves. You may not feel that you have an “earth-shattering” testimony, but each one of your stories and experiences are valid. They ALL matter and God will use them for His glory–to further His kingdom. Today I am going to be vulnerable with you all and with myself. This is my story; thank you for joining me.

I didn’t have the privilege of being born into a Christian household–nor having your typical parents. My mother wasn’t around throughout the years due to her substance use and the years she spent incarcerated. My dad was my rock, but even he wasn’t the most nurturing and present parent. Our relationship isn’t your typical father-daughter relationship by any means, but I am forever thankful that he chose to be better for me and did the best he could with what he was given. I am thankful for the sacrifices he made in order for me to have a better life–one that he couldn’t provide at the time.

There are days when I grieve the loss of not having a mom–wondering what could have been. It angers me that I couldn’t have a typical mother-daughter relationship. How different would I be if I had a mother I could run to when my life got difficult? What does it feel like to be in the comfort of her arms while you cry? These are questions I’ve started to think about recently, but I hope that with time and more counseling sessions, I can work through this hurt and the possible resentment I have towards those who were blessed with this kind of relationship.

There was a certain point in my childhood when my dad realized I truly did need a mother figure and that he couldn’t quite provide what I needed. When I was eleven, I moved in with my sister and her husband in Michigan. This was a huge change for me–adjusting to new rules, not being the only child in the house (I am not an only child, I just didn’t live with my siblings on my mom’s side), attending a new school, etc. Eventually, I got into the swing of things! I loved my new school (it was a private Christian school–and the uniforms weren’t too bad I suppose), I started to attend church regularly and even became a huge part of my church’s Bible Quizzing team. I made a best friend who stuck by my side when things got really rough and she became my person for almost six years of my life. We decided to end our friendship a few months ago sadly, but that’s a story for another time.

Over the years, the harmony between my sister, her husband, and I started to diminish and when I turned 17, I moved back to Ohio to live with my brother and his wife. Looking back on my time with my sister, there is still a lot of hurt I think I need to face, but overall, I learned a lot from them that I didn’t know while living with my dad. I am so thankful for the sacrifices they made and for allowing me to live with them simply because they loved me and wanted me to flourish. I will forever be grateful for them–that will never change.

Moving in with my brother and my sister-in-law was like a breath of fresh air. My brother and I are a lot alike–our combined ADHD makes it a very entertaining time in our house. I would say the adjustment was pretty easy–I desperately needed change. It’s crazy to look back and see how far we’ve come–I’ve been with them for over three years now and I wouldn’t want it any other way. They’ve become my best friends, although things did get pretty rocky for a bit. Regardless of our differences in the past, they will forever be my people and I am thankful that Jesus brought me to them.

I truly believe that it wasn’t until I moved in with my brother and his wife, that I began to grow in my personal walk with Jesus. I accepted Jesus when I moved in with my sister and I was surrounded by Christian doctrine, however, it was a struggle to truly connect with Him on a personal level. To this day, that still stands, but we’re working on it. All throughout my life I’ve found myself in these seasons of depression every few months. I’ll go in-depth in a future post, but my most recent season of struggling is what led to me even starting this blog. I hit rock bottom and it took doing so for me to truly want change and to get more serious about furthering my walk with the Lord. For too long, I’ve let my trauma hold me captive and allow me to believe lies about myself. My circumstances have been unfortunate, but I am grateful that I went through it. I wouldn’t be who I am today and I don’t think I’d have a reason to believe in the Lord. No matter what my circumstances in life were, the Lord was always faithful to me–bringing me out of the darkness in His timing. He has used my moving from three different families in a miraculous way–it showed me His goodness and shaped me into the woman I am today. My God will always show up–even in the midst of my chaos. Because of my story, I have learned that even when life gets hard, something better is just waiting for me on the other side of the storm. The same goes for you. Don’t give up; I promise something better is coming.

God loves you and so do I,

-Malia