Digging Deeper

As some of you know, I lost my best friend about a month and a half ago—some may say she was just a dog, but she truly was my world. She had been sick since October, but our family still had hope for our Macy girl. She didn’t have cancer; she didn’t undergo any more seizures; we put her on an expensive and special diet—she was slowly getting better and gaining the weight back that she was losing so rapidly. Then, things went downhill. We could no longer get her to eat what she needed to, she wouldn’t take her pills, her weight was decreasing—her soul was getting tired of fighting. I knew it was time to let go, but putting her down was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

During the last few weeks of my Macy girl’s life, I was actively and intentionally pursuing a deeper relationship with the Lord. It was very evident and heavy on my heart that He was trying to prepare me for something major—deep down I knew He was preparing my heart to lose Macy, but I didn’t want to believe that was the battle I was about to face.

I’ll be honest with ya’ll—I was extremely angry with God for about three days. Thinking of praising Him made me internally sick. I was in the middle of rereading the gospels leading up to her death and I was so bitter—He performed all these miracles left and right, but couldn’t give my Macy her miracle? I couldn’t wrap my head around why He needed me to continually lose the people closest to me—first my best friend of six years, then my boyfriend and two other close friends, (these people didn’t die, but we no longer have a relationship), and then Macy—the one who had been with me through it all.

I’m still angry she’s not here, but I’m not mad at the Lord anymore. I’m angry at her sickness; I am angry at our old vet; I am angry at death. I am angry that I no longer have my Macy girl to constantly bother and annoy with my clinginess and affection. I am angry that I no longer have my favorite pal to walk with our family and other two pups. Our home is far too quiet without her constant barking and ADHD zoomies. There is no more laughter at her crazy eyes and her famous soldier stance on the couch; no more of her invading our personal space when she wants attention; no more butt scratches and her whining and giving you her famous side eye when you stop. Macy was my best friend and there will always be a space in my heart that aches for her hugs and her presence—but, I am choosing to be grateful that she is no longer internally suffering and is resting peacefully with the Lord.

I still have hard days, but the Lord has been near to me every step of this process. He extended His love and grace to me, even when I blamed Him for her death. He didn’t stop showing up for me when I wanted to give up on Him and when my heart chose to stop praising Him. He instilled in me this hope a long long time ago that dwells deep down in my core for moments such as these. Even when I hit my very lowest, the Lord has gifted me this internal strength that encourages me to continually search for meaning in this life, instead of giving up entirely and ending it all. The Lord gave me resources to cling to during my grief—friends, family, our church, music, podcasts, His Word, prayer, and work. The Lord is bigger than our suffering, friends. He cares for us and uses our pain to draw us closer to Him. “The more we suffer, the more we cling to joy and God’s presence. We become dependant upon the Lord rather than this world” (Podcast from Daily Grace: Suffering in the Hand of God). Suffering isn’t joyful, but what is waiting for us on the other side of it is. The Lord wants to teach you how to rely on Him—remain faithful; stay consistent; be intentional in the ways that you seek Him. Don’t allow your grief and suffering to rob you of the joy and the gift God is waiting to give to you. I know it is hard and God may seem silent and far away—but friends, He is near to you. He sees you; He feels your pain; He weeps with you; and He will be your strength. Be honest with the Lord about how you’re feeling; you do not have to fake a smile. The Lord will be faithful to You—He is always faithful. This life is a journey with high hills and low valleys, but the Lord will never turn His face from you and what you are going through. Please keep going, but now—allow the Lord to fight for you.

God loves you and so do I,

-Malia