Digging Deeper

I know how exhausting it feels to be in a battle with your mind.

However, I can promise that with time, things will start to look up.

I know, I know—I didn’t believe it either.

But, my challenge for you is to keep going—even when your soul is just tired.

If you have not read my previous post about battling depression, I encourage you to read it! Here are the steps I took toward my breakthrough; thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable.

Although my thoughts of su!c!de were scary, deep down there was a sense of hope still inside of me. I took the initiative to get back into counseling and was then prescribed an antidepressant. Over time, my desire to live for something more began to outweigh my desire to d!e. My medication has helped significantly with my su!c!dal thoughts, but I also had to discipline myself to make a change. I first had to start fighting for myself. I had to consciously choose to remove the things in my life that were holding me captive. I chose to stop swearing, I chose to distance myself from the guy I mentioned in my previous post, I chose to remove social media off my phone, I chose to open my Bible instead of distracting myself with other things, I chose to listen to better music, I chose to read better books, I chose to work on my sleep schedule, and recently, I have chosen to invest in better friendships. I challenge you to reflect on your own life —are there things in your life that are holding you captive right now that you can make a conscious effort to remove? Can you do a better job of fighting for yourself?

Choosing to fight for myself was only the beginning step toward a breakthrough. Second, I had to choose Jesus. I had to choose Him over the pain, over the sadness, over my thoughts, over everything. This step is just as difficult as the first (if not more), and with confidence, I can say that I am nowhere near perfecting it, but choosing Jesus has given me a sense of hope. My mental health is still pretty rocky right now, as well as my current life circumstances. The best way I can describe how I am feeling in this moment is that my soul is just tired—and that’s okay. But instead of trying to distract myself with people and my phone, I have been working on giving these thoughts to the Lord. When I feel weak, I am working on choosing to put worship music on and allowing myself to feel. I tell Him I’m tired; I tell Him that it hurts; I tell Him all of my thoughts. It is extremely difficult to allow ourselves to feel—it is uncomfortable. I haven’t fully figured it out yet, but I know Jesus sees me struggling. I know that He sees my tears. There are even times when I will sit on my floor and just call out to Him and pray for Him to love on me as I cry.

Can I tell you something? He sees your tears too. He sees you struggling and wants to be your strength. We are not alone in our weakest times and we don’t have to have it all together to meet with Jesus. He meets us right where we’re at—in our pain, in our joy, in our anger, in our sadness, anywhere. When I am on my bed or on my floor crying, I am learning that He is sitting right there next to me. He has His arms open, just waiting for me to step into His loving embrace. The same goes for you and I challenge you to just take a moment in your weakness to allow yourself to feel and ask God to sit there with you where you’re at. It is going to hurt; it is going to feel extremely uncomfortable—but we can’t expect a breakthrough until we first confront the problem.

I wish I could say battling depression is easy and all we need to do is pray to Jesus for it to get better. But, to be really honest, that is not the case. There are going to be days when we don’t have the motivation to get out of bed. There are going to be days that we are just sad—even if we are choosing Jesus. Choosing Jesus doesn’t mean life won’t have its downs. It just gives us hope and assurance that we don’t have to walk through the tough times alone. We can walk in the truth of being able to lean on the Lord when we are weak and letting His strength pull us through. He is faithful friends, He’s got you. Lean into His embrace. Be gentle with yourself—it is okay to not be okay.

Disclaimer: I am not a counselor; this blog post is just to share my story and may not be beneficial for everyone. If you are in an emergency crisis, please call 911 and/or go to the emergency room. Another helpful resource would be to text 988—the Su!c!de and Crisis Lifeline which is available at all times: https://988lifeline.org/

God loves you and so do I,

-Malia