Digging Deeper

I don’t know your story.

I don’t know your current struggles.

But, I do know what it’s like to want to give up.

I want to preface by saying I do talk about thoughts of su!c!de in this post. If you are not comfortable with the topic, I encourage you to stop reading.

Due to my desired length, the heaviness, and the importance of the topic, I’d like to make this blog post a two-part series. This specific post will address my struggle with depression, and the following post will be the steps I took (and am taking) toward a breakthrough.

If you have ever gone through a season of depression, or if you are walking through one right now, I pray that what God leads me to write in these two posts can give you a sense of hope and allow you not to feel as alone. We’re in this together.

Depression has a way of breaking your spirit and causes you to lose who you once were, yet it is also an addicting feeling—at least for me. When I am in my depressive ruts, I choose to not confront the sadness—instead, I feed the fire because it is easier and I don’t care enough to stop it. Although I have been in these ruts more than once, the thought of su!c!de was never heavy on my mind until just recently.

When I tell you that these past few months have been the most difficult times of my life mentally—I mean it. My whole world was crumbling to pieces—just one thing after another kept going wrong. As I mentioned in my previous post, my best friend of six years and I decided to end our friendship and then shortly after that, I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year. Within a two-month period, I lost the two closest people to me—at the time, they were my whole world. Reflecting back, I believe I was already in a state of depression. I lost my sense of identity and it felt like I was drowning in my thoughts. I distracted myself with another guy, stopped caring about the things I once cared about, lost the energy and motivation to complete my schoolwork, let words escape my mouth that I regret, and was in this constant battle to stay alive.

I have never so deeply desired to d!e as I did every day these past few months. I couldn’t escape my sadness—living simply seemed pointless. I believed that I was worthless, unlovable, a destroyer of everything I touched. I convinced myself that I had no purpose and even doubted my faith. I wasn’t living, I was just existing. I was so numb and avoided sleep because I was too scared to be alone with my thoughts. I craved just a taste of happiness to ease my agony, but day after day, that happiness never came. I was drowning and was losing the battle within my mind— I just desperately wanted a way out. Methods of doing so corrupted my mind, I begged a friend to help me act on it, and all I wished was for me to have the guts one day to go through with it.

Having these su!c!dal thoughts for so long was extremely scary and draining, but in my following post, I will address the steps I took (and am taking) toward a breakthrough. Today, I am still walking through a season of depression, but instead of allowing it to control my life, I am working towards overcoming it and choosing Jesus. Talking about mental health is super important to me because I know that it affects a majority of people. If you’re struggling, please know that you’re not alone. If you would like prayer, please feel free to fill out the form below (under the home tab)—you can remain anonymous if you prefer!

Disclaimer: I am not a counselor; this blog post is just to share my story and may not be beneficial for everyone. If you are in an emergency crisis, please call 911 and/or go to the emergency room. Another helpful resource would be to text 988—the Su!c!de and Crisis Lifeline which is available at all times: https://988lifeline.org/